As with all long-range starships, the Casual from time to time must engage in combat. Most times this is for defense, but occasionally we feel the need for the senseless carnage and mindless violence that is our heritage as Earth-born humans. To facilitate both of these needs, the Casual is equipped with several unique systems which provide accurate, efficient, and entertaining offensive and defensive capabilities.
Soon after our departure from Starfleet, it was decided (by someone, we're not really sure who deserves the blame) that the tactical systems of the MK IX/A Heavy Cruiser were ill suited to the needs of a space going party ship. They were designed to cripple or destroy both spaceborne and planetary targets using massive destructive energies, causing heavy damage and inevitable casualties. These things just aren't any fun. Our Chief Engineer, Commander Fugit, quickly set himself to the task of redesigning our tactical suite to better reflect the nature of the Casual's new mission profile. He was joined in this quest by Ensign Horatio Hironamus Havoc, who has since been promoted to Captain of the Casual for his visionary work and ability to remain awake for dangerously extended periods.
Over the last 14 years, we have installed,
tested, and dismounted numerous systems. A precious few have remained installed,
having proved their worth through intensive testing and the engineering
staff's inability to remember how to remove them. Those veteran systems,
the bulk of the Casual's tactical suite, are the ones that we'll
be detailing here.
The smallest Dazer, the Type I, is usually carried by duty officers, insecurity personnel, and anyone who manages to find one lying about unattended. The Type II Dazer is issued to security crew and all Medical staff members. The Type III Dazer Rifle is a highly specialized piece of entertainment weaponry, issued only to Party Marines and anyone who can afford to bribe the Duty Officer in the Ship's Armory.
Dazer settings are all designed to cause intense sensory stimulation of the target. Type I & II Dazers have settings 1, 2 and 3; the Type III Dazer Rifle also has settings 4 and 5, for those times when a little more stimulation might be required to handle the situation. The Type III is also equipped with an area effect function, allowing Party Marines to enter a room and Probe all occupants within a matter of seconds.
The Casual's present Dazer array consists of 10 Mark III Dazer Banks, all controlled from the bridge weapons console. (Secondary controls are located in auxiliary control, main engineering, Senior Officer's quarters, and the VIP Lounge.) The Mark III Dazer has all 5 primary Dazer settings, with effects settings 10 times as potent as the handheld versions. The maximum pleasurable range of the Mark III Dazer is 250,000km, although certain effects can be felt at double the effective range.
The Mark III Dazer is capable of ignoring all known forms of matter, energy, or displacement shielding, with the exception of polyester. This makes the weapon effective against all known civilized races except the Ferengi, and has caused us to develop certain weapon systems geared specifically towards them. In addition, the Mark III can be set for wide area effect, with a maximum effective area of 10,000 square meters at 250,000km.
The effectiveness of this weapon for planetary
bombardment was most significantly illustrated on Stardate 19501.13, when
the Casual was called in to defuse an emergency situation on the
matriarchal planet known as Angel One. An unusual orbital anomaly of the
planet's moon caused an alteration of tidal forces across the planet, resulting
in a radically enhanced PMS episode in 95% of the planet's female population.
Fearing that this might quickly escalate into a global military conflict
brought about by the female leaders of the population, certain unaffected
individuals called upon Starfleet for assistance. Unfortunately, the Federation's
Prime Directive prohibits intervention with the development of non-member
worlds. In desperation, the people of Angel One contacted us. Since our
Prime Directive is pretty open, we rushed to the scene and rendered assistance.
Within 12 hours, judicious use of the Dazer Mark III had defused the situation
completely, and the planetary moon had resumed normal tidal force generation.
And although the pregnancy rate for that day was more than 700% above normal,
the leaders of the various planetary populations were extremely thankful
to the Officers and crew of the Casual. Really, really thankful.
Especially to the Commanding Officers.
To produce a defensive system of the caliber required for our specific needs, Commander Fugit and Ensign Havoc spent days in the R&D lab with only 2 gallons of rum and six Yo!Women! The Yo!Women! had orders to protect their limited virtue and the powerful Caribbean alcohol from the Engineering officers at all costs, providing the required incentive for a defensive system concept. When Fugit and Havoc finally emerged, begging for more alcohol and still partially dressed, they had come up with the stunningly effective and frustratingly irreproducible Dejector Shields.
The Dejector Shields are produced by a subsurface grid layer affixed to the outer hull of the Casual, which is connected to the Dejector Generators on decks B, K, and U. When activated, the Dejector Generator feeds Dejection Energy into the grid via the valium-osmium conduits constructed for this purpose. Dejector energy then hangs around on the grid at a point 5-10cm beyond the outer hull, where it awaits any incoming weapons fire.
When enemy fire is directed at the Casual, the Dejection Energy stored in the grid reacts automatically. A spike of Dejection Energy, which would appear to the naked eye much like a solar flare erupting off the hull (if you were stupid enough to be naked in hard vacuum), meets the enemy incoming fire well away from the ship. When the Dejection Energy comes into direct contact with the incoming fire, be it energy, matter, or morality based, the Dejection Energy causes a total lack of destructive confidence in the incoming weaponry. The enemy fire ceases to carry cohesive destructive potential; it instead becomes unwanted and alone, and wanders off along a right-angle trajectory from its original attack vector until it dies out. The end result is a total lack of enemy fire reaching the hull of the Casual, completely avoiding those messy ship shakes and equipment fires that can so easily spill drinks and ruin libido for hours.
When the Dejector Shields react to energy
weapon fire which originates within 100,000km of the ship, an additional
effect takes place. The Dejection Energy races back along the projection
beam to the enemy vessel's weapons array. From there, it follows the control
circuitry until it reaches the gunner firing the weapon. Upon finding the
weapon operator, the Dejection Energy enters the individual, causing feelings
of failure, unwantedness, and a lack of confidence. The gunner will then
usually get up and leave his/her station, wandering the corridors of the
enemy vessel aimlessly. In those rare situations where a gunner is forced
to remain at his/her station after repeated Dejection Energy discharges,
they will usually depart their station as soon as relieved and wander out
the nearest airlock, sans EVA suit. While this isn't casual, we feel that
it's usually justified; we also get some wild and disgusting video that
really turns Klingon women on.
After the installation of the Dazers, we sat around the Officer's Bar for hours wondering how to replace the messy Photon Torpedoes, which are based on a matter/antimatter reaction, with something that could use the much more exciting and far less slaughterish sobriety/antisobriety reaction which we all witnessed aboard ship daily.
That evening, working feverishly into the ship's artificial night, our chief science Officer, Commander Hardemann, developed a form of negative alcohol which could be stored in the same magnetic containment bottles used to hold antimatter in the Mark IV Photon Torpedo housing. This negative alcohol produces an effect which is diametrically opposed to "normal" alcohol; that is, the more you consume, the more sober you become. Obviously, this substance was far too dangerous to the Casual to be used for anything but weaponry; after all, an explosion of negative alcohol could produce waves of sobriety which might cause every party aboard ship to come to a grinding halt!
Our crack engineering staff set about replacing all the antimatter stored in our torpedoes with the new negative alcohol. In addition, each housing was fitted with positive alcohol reservoirs. The negative alcohol containment bottles were linked to the positive alcohol storage bottles and a central intermix chamber using microprocessor controlled valves which could be programmed with flow data at any time up to the moment of launch.
The new torpedoes were tested on our own shuttles and inspection pods at various ranges, speeds, and sobriety levels. The results were far greater than we had ever hoped; we had to post sober guards on the Torpedo Bay for weeks after the tests to prevent crew members from detonating torpedoes at point-blank range. After almost three seconds of discussion, I named the new weapon the Yukon Torpedo, after my personal favorite alcoholic beverage.
The Yukon Torpedo is designed to be fired at either sublight or Warp speeds. The torpedo casing includes a set of warp field sustainer coils and a miniature matter/antimatter reaction system capable of maintaining the combined launch velocity of the Casual and the torpedo itself. (This design has recently been sold to Starfleet for use in their new generation of Photon Torpedo systems.) The effective range of the Yukon Torpedo is 2,000,000km.
When the Yukon Torpedo enters the launch tube, the weapons officer, bridge officer, or medical officer ordering the weapon's use determines what the effects will be. These range from total sobriety (we've never actually used this setting) to total inebriation (the most popular setting) of the target, and spread to encompass a total spherical area of 10,000 cubic meters. When fired, the torpedo locks on target and homes until within 20 meters of the enemy. The positive and negative alcohol is then combined in a central stainless steel shaker. To add additional positive material when full anti-sobriety effects are required, frozen water and olives may be injected into the mixture.
Upon detonation, a wave of energy comprised of the set effects is created which expands to fill the total possible volume of effect within 0.25ns. Because no known race has any defense against the energy produced by an alcohol/negative alcohol reaction, no defensive system known can halt the spread of the Yukon Torpedo effect. (It should be noted, however, that this weapon has little or no effect on natives of Scotland or any colony thereof, unless the terribly expensive Single Malt Negative Alcohol is used.) The resulting state of the enemy ship's crew usually causes their vessel to lose control quickly and careen wildly about, occasionally bouncing off nearby celestial objects or losing attitude control.
The Yukon Torpedo can also be set for airburst.
This has added millions of credits to the ship's treasury; any time the
enters orbit over a civilized world, there's always at least one group
of local citizens willing to pay ridiculous amounts of latinum to get us
to fire a Yukon Torpedo or two at their neighborhood. And, of course, we're
always happy to oblige.
The new shade of blue was used to coat low-yield Mark IV Photon Torpedoes, which were then fired at various stationary targets. The results were astounding: The new weapon, dubbed the Existential Blue Torpedo by Ensign Havoc, totally ignored the target's armor and shields and caused explosive damage inside the hull. Commander Hardemann theorized that this particular shade of blue causes enemy armor and shields to simply become extremely depressed, lessening the defensive value of such systems to zilch.
My officers and I frown upon the use of actual destructive weapons most of the time. After all, explosions cause lots of really un-casual effects, such as serious blood loss, externalization of internal organs, unwanted amputations, and loss of life. However, we realize that there are times when we may need (or want) to blow the shit out of something without wasting time hacking through those pesky defenses. In such cases, we have the Existential Blue Torpedo to fall back on.
Existential Blue Torpedoes are stored in a sealed Torpedo storage bay on L deck. When needed, a special alarm is sounded in the Torpedo Bay (some early Bob Dylan), alerting the duty crew to quickly clear the area. Once the bay is empty, the EBT is loaded by the automated system into the launch tube. With the danger of suicidal depression past, the torpedo crew is allowed to reenter the bay. The torpedo is then fired at the target. Like the Yukon Torpedo, the EBT can sustain its launch speed using Warp field sustainer coils. The effective range of the Existential Blue Torpedo is 1,000,000km. Once the EBT reaches the target, it passes right through the depressed shields and armor and detonates inside the hull, causing lots of bloody carnage and expensive equipment damage. Usually, once an enemy realizes that his/her continued presence within EBT range will result in a fully intact outer hull and defensive array surrounding a mess of organic paste and metal confetti, they tend to run away very quickly.
The only race which has so far proved immune
to the EBT is the Borg. Their vessel's defensive systems appear to be extremely
depressed already, and are therefore proof against the effects of the torpedo.
Luckily, our normal weapons do have an effect on them.
After a particularly tense engagement with a group of Romulans, a race known for their insatiability and staying power, Lieutenant Commander von Matic wondered if there might be a way to achieve the end result of a sustained Dazer burst in a relatively insignificant amount of time. Commander Fugit and his trusty sidekick Lieutenant Havoc went to work on the problem.
Little progress was made at first. Several attempts to simply supercharge the Dazers themselves resulted in unfortunate, if comic, injuries to the test staff. After this avenue was abandoned, the development team started exploring new and more stimulating methods. A breakthrough was still elusive, however, until medical intern Lt.... Agloval, during a biweekly unofficial game of strip blackjack, mentioned a female Hotel Gemmorah patron he'd been with the night before. He claimed that she possessed such amazing oral abilities that he had "...barely felt the first warmth of the lassie's breath before I started cryin' for me towel." The engineers, who were both notorious long-timers themselves, asked Kael for the lady's lodging number and proceeded to embark on a night of serious weapons research.
After recovering, Fugit and Havoc spent several days in the Weapon Research Lab with the young lady, painstakingly capturing her unbelievable ability in a new offensive tactical device. In the end, the system was so complex and massive that it required the main deflector dish as an emitter. This would, of course, limit the use of the weapon to battles at sublight speeds, but it was decided that this would be more than adequate to our needs.
Thus, the Suc-U-Tron 3000 was born.
The Suc-U-Tron 3000 is extremely energy-hungry, limiting its use to once every thirty seconds or so. Attempts to fire the weapon more frequently usually result in a less satisfactory experience. The range of the Suc-U-Tron 3000 is 300,000km. Like all Casual tactical systems, the Suc-U-Tron 3000 cannot be blocked, deflected, denied, or controlled by any known defensive technology currently in use. (We have discovered that extremely tight undergarments can lower the effectiveness, however.) The Suc-U-Tron 3000, upon reaching the target, permeates the vessel and causes certain portions of the crew's anatomy pass from an unaroused state to a post-coital depression, including all normally experienced phases in between, in less than 5 seconds. The weapon is effective on both males and females; specific tuning can be applied to the weapon to allow for targeting either male or female targets, however, in case a "multiple burst effect" is desired for female targets or a "quick sleep" effect is desired for males.
The Suc-U-Tron 3000 is the most powerful
weapon in the Casual's tactical suite, and as such access to it
is restricted to members of the ship's crew, their guests, and anyone with
a large credit line. Previous "accidental" uses of the Suc-U-Tron have
resulted in the sterilization of a small planet's male population, the
conversion of a shipload of hostile alien missionaries, and a new religious
At any rate, a short while ago the Party Marines requested that we design a weapon that would make such boarding operations safer and more entertaining. Always eager to design devices that will amuse and terrify at the same time, Lt... Commander Havoc quickly began searching for an inspiration.
His quest led him to the Hotel, where he witnessed a particularly erotic all-female, all-nude oil wrestling contest. After the match, he propositioned one of the wrestlers, who noted his rank insignia and immediately agreed. Unfortunately, she had not taken the time to remove the excess oil from her voluptuous curves, and Havoc had a very difficult time maintaining his grip on her. Or anything else, for that matter, once he had gotten enough oil on himself. He kept dropping his Dazer, his drink, and his shorts while occasionally slipping to the deck in a puddle of flavored lubricants.
At some point, the little bulb glowed above his head, and he went scampering off to his lab. Soon thereafter, the Wave of Lotion Gun was born.
Basically, the WoLG is designed to make boarding hostile or fleeing vessels an entertaining mission rather than a tense and potentially bloody one. Using artificial particles called Lubritrons, the WoLG can rapidly grease down the interior of an enemy vessel, making it much more fun to board.
Like the Suc-U-Tron 3000, The Wave of Lotion Gun is incorporated into the Casual's main navigational deflector dish, and can therefore only be fired while traveling at sublight velocities. It has an effective range of 500,000km, although can make targets moderately slippery out to almost twice that. When fired, the WoLG emits a faint, reddish beam that appears to flow toward the target like a spaceborne river, accompanied by a sound like a bottle of baby oil reluctantly relinquishing its final drops. The beam is comprised of Havoc's Lubritron particles, an artificial particle which exists partially out of phase with the natural universe. This phase-shifted state allows the particles to pass through any sort of cumbersome defenses the target ship may possess and then regain full reality within this universe within the enemy ship itself.
Upon re-entering phase inside the target, the Lubritrons form a massive lubricating tsunami which proceeds to hurtle through the ship's corridors and lift tubes, mindlessly oiling down everyone any everything in their path. The result is a thin coating of non-water-soluable slickness over virtually every object aboard the target ship.
When the Party Marine boarding party arrives,
they usually find the enemy crew doing their best to simply stand upright
or hold onto their weapons, which tend to drift away as soon as they're
removed from the holster. The Party Marines, equipped with specially soled
beach shoes and gallons of rum, can then quickly subdue the crew with little
or no need for any sort of untidy violence or tension.
Unfortunately, there are those few and far between circumstances which do actually place the Casual and her crew in imminent danger; circumstances where the odds of destruction in the vast abyss are great, and the chance of a nurse running up a gin and tonic from the Rec. Deck precisely when it's needed (in that crucial thirsty moment between volleys of weapons fire) is amazingly thin.
It was this very need that the Battle Bar was created to answer.
Aboard the Casual, we frown upon the standard Starfleet practice of hardware redundancy. Not because it isn't a good idea, but because any on-board equipment we aren't using for more than a few moments is usually considered a waste of valuable party space. One such system, located along the aft bulkhead of the bridge, was known as the Auxiliary Systems Monitor. Sure, it's a good idea to have one, but with the word "auxiliary" in the name, it must be something we can do without, right?
Right. As soon as we had a chance, we replaced that pesky monitor with a much more important bridge component: The Battle Bar. The Battle Bar was designed to allow the bridge crew to fight a prolonged space battle under extremely stressful and possibly un-casual conditions without sobering up.
The Battle Bar is kept well stocked at all
times with a wide variety of essential mixtures and garnishes, and each
individual item is protected from potentially sobering damage by some of
the most robust alcohol preservation systems ever devised by man. Designed
to survive the most rigorous jostling and impact, the Battle Bar stocks
are impervious to virtually any damage or destruction, including hull breach
or inertial damper failure. In fact, in the event that the Casual is
ever destroyed by, say, a cluster of thirty or forty Photon Torpedoes at
maximum yield detonating inside the confines of the Bridge, the only thing
needed to return the Battle Bar to complete functionality will be a bottle
of cleanser to wipe off the remains of the unfortunate Bridge crew.
Obviously, this is no small order. At any given moment during routine daily party operations, only 3-7% of the crew is what Starfleet would consider "fit for duty." (Of course, our somewhat more lenient standards put the figure at 25%, because we know what our people are capable of when properly relaxed.) This figure is adequate for our normal operations, which usually include nothing more exciting than a minute course correction or spill clean-up in a turbolift, but even a drunken Pakled can estimate that in a real danger situation this percentage falls somewhat short of optimal performance levels. Most of the time, this is still easily ignored; after all, Alden is completely capable of handling most ship functions single-handed (well, he would be if he still possessed those useful appendages) and in his sleep (let's not get into it). However, we would be even more irresponsible than we already are if we didn't have a contingency plan prepared for those times when the shit is definitely headed straight for the fan in a big bloody hurry.
To prepare us for that inconceivable situation
which may require that each and every crew members aboard the Casual is
fully functional in the performance of their duties, Commander Hardemann
came up with the WEDGIE Device. Due to the terrifying implications
of the device's effect on our crew and guests, it has yet to be tested
under any circumstances whatsoever.
WEDGIE stands for Wide-spectrum Emergency Detoxification Generator [for] Intense Emergencies.
The WEDGIE device was made possible by the advanced transporter and replicator technology found in the Hotel Gemmorah. It uses a centralized Detox scanner/emitter array located in an undisclosed location (so that the crew can't "accidentally" disable it) to scan the entire vessel for any and all mind-altering substances currently active within any life form aboard. Then, using extremely tight-focused transporter signals, the device transforms those substances into elements which will reverse the detected active effects. The effect is (theoretically) instantaneous and quite uncomfortable, leaving the entire crew, and any guests, standing/sitting/laying/hanging in a totally sober and alert state within moments.
When activated, the WEDGIE device will (in theory) be 96% effective against known mind-altering substances, with the notable exceptions of Deltan pheromones and one of Dr.. MacLaren's latest creations, Gestaltoids. (They allow small groups of people to mentally share intimate experiences and fresh breath for several minutes.) In the event that this device is ever actually used, and in the further event that it functions as predicted, the Casual should be able to go from a ship of wanton frivolity to a well-lubricated, battle-ready vessel in a matter of minutes.
Because of the potential danger posed to the Casual's existence by unnecessary use of the WEDGIE device, its use is severely restricted. Only the two Commanding Officers and the XO know the codes to activate it, although Alden can trigger it himself in a dire emergency. In addition, anyone caught trying to activate the WEDGIE device for any reason, even a justified one, will be confined to quarters for a week with only a single bottle of Zima, a collection of Klingon opera, and a life-sized hallucinogrammic poster of Marjenkka Spew, a ninety-six year old Orion slave girl currently in the Hotel's employ. (No, she hasn't aged all that well.) These measures are harsh, but we feel them justified to ensure that proper responsibility is exercised in the use of the WEDGIE device, one of the few systems aboard the Casual that we hope never to be forced to use.
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