UBS Casual Specifications

UBS Casual

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Once upon a time, there was a Federation Starship named Athena. She was a proud ship, distant sister to the most honored vessel ever to serve in Starfleet, and her shipwrights and engineers had nothing but the highest hopes for her future as they watched her slip free of her construction dock in high orbit over San Francisco. Nothing about her was immediately distinctive or unique, save for her Naval Construction Contract number painted proudly across her hull, but perhaps if given her chance she could join the ranks of the great ones: Phoenix…Daedalus…Constellation…Boneventure…Enterprise. Her first crew came aboard filled with the optimism and naive sense of wonder that has ever been the hallmark of cadets...they believed that they and their gleaming ship could make a difference in the vast and overwhelming cosmos.

Nobody there on that fateful day, no matter how imaginative, delusional, hopeful, or clinically insane, could have conceived of what the future would hold for the powerful symbol of Federation power named Athena as she slipped her moorings and umbilicals and tasted the liberty of free space for the first time. If they had, they most likely would have initiated her self-destruct system on the spot and saved the Federation a whole shitload of embarrassment and red tape.

The design specifications of the Athena and the accompanying engineering standards were one of the first things chucked overboard when the Casual was born. So many of the rigid and unimaginative specifications of the original Mk IX/A were unsuited to the mission profile we drunkenly proposed that the very hull number of the Athena--her Naval Construction Contract number—was revoked in a most unprecedented decision by the San Francisco Naval Yards. It should be noted, however, that a tour of the retrofitted and bastardized engineering spaces of the Casual has long been the fantasy of some of Starfleet’s most knowledgeable experts. Only one of them has ever expressed a definite opinion on our modifications, however…during a surprise visit after his mysterious rescue from the Dyson Sphere near Norpin V that now houses our colony of Relaxia, Captain Montgomery Scott was heard to mutter, "Now that’s some friggin’ plumbing!" (Unfortunately, it is still an open issue as to what precisely he was referring to…the heavily modified warp core, or the two Barbies who were following him around the ship with filled tankards of Romulan Ale.)

To the chagrin of many guests, most of our ship's exact technical specifications are closely guarded secrets (or totally forgotten by our less-than-sober engineering crew). What remains for public display is rather disappointing, dwelling on none of the detailed technical intricacies that are stock and trade for most avid Starfleet fans. We would apologize for the lack of exacting and somnolike details, but the truth is that we don’t give a rat’s ass about the deeper technobabble-laden stuff. We leave that to the rare sober engineer and to our amazingly powerful computer, Alden. We’re usually happy when things actually function as expected, and we certainly don’t want to bore our guests with the why’s and how’s of the whole mess. In short, we prefer simplicity…and so we provide our guests with few relevant facts and a paltry smattering of figures.

(And if you actually saw some of our engineering specs, there’s a very real danger of a sudden drop in guest reservations…)
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UBS Casual -- Ship Specifications

Item  OEM  UBS Casual 
Ship's Name USS Athena UBS Casual
Hull Number  NCC-1834  NCC-REVOKED 
Class  MK IX/A Heavy Cruiser  MK X Heavy Party Cruiser 
Length 304.7 m  304.7 m 
Beam 146.2 m  146.2 m 
Draught 67 m  67 m 
Mass 190 million kg  217 million kg 
Officers 47  12 
Crew 438  95 
Guests 12  400
Standard Range 6,500 LY  4,500 LY 
Maximum Range 10,000 LY  10,000 LY 
Maximum Velocity Warp 12 (Old Warp calculation system)  Warp 6.7 (New Warp calculation system) 
(Warp 8 with some luck) 
Warp 4.2 towing Hotel Gemmorah
Navigation System Warp celestial guidance  Blind Luck
Communications Subspace Radio  Subspace Radio 
Gemmorahn Hyperwave Transceiver 
Transcendental Mediums 
Computers Duotronic II  Shroomotronic III 
Integrated Brain of former Athena Captain Talmain 
Backup VIC-4000
Tactical Systems 18 Phasers 
200 Photon Torpedoes 
Tractor Beam
10 Dazer Banks 
100 Yukon Torpedoes 
Push Me-Pull You Beam 
Suck-U-Tron 3000 
50 Existential Blue Torpedoes 
Wave of Lotion Gun 
Battle Bar
W.E.D.G.I.E. Device 
MK IV Rubber Band Cannon
Sustenance Duration Up to 22 years  Up to 7 Party Cruises 
(Longer if mid-flight catering is used) 

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Casual Support Vessels

All interstellar ships have need of smaller, more nimble craft from time to time. Starfleet has used a cornucopia of such vehicles through the years, and as such quite a few of them have found their way aboard the Casual, the Hotel Gemmorah, and, more recently, the colony of Relaxia.

The original USS Athena had a standard complement of support craft during our "final" mission. After we finished modifications to the exterior of the Casual, we of course had to alter all of our smaller craft as well. Names were chosen during a particularly long staff orgy, with prizes awarded for the most appropriate. Later, we allowed various creative members of the crew, and even some of our guests, to express themselves by adding some color to the otherwise boring small craft paint schemes. As such, we have several mural-decorated shuttles, some paisley work bees, and even one tie-dyed inspection pod.

In recent years, especially since our little temporal jaunt has provided us with almost unlimited funds, we have acquired several more modern small craft. Of course, none of them are properly configured when we get them, so our crack team of specialists led by Lieutenant Commander Havoc spend as much sober time as they feel like making the needed modifications. In some cases, the resulting craft bears so little resemblance to its original specifications that we begin marketing them back to the designers. Such is the case with our new Runaround vessels.

This is just a brief, woefully incomplete listing of our smaller ships, beginning with our original complement (all but one of which are still fully, assembled).

Original Athena Craft


Originally Changed To
Aphrodite  Slack 
Hera  Nonchalant 
Tyce  Placid 
Eris  Tranquil 


Alecto Laid Back 
Megaera  Chillin' 
Tisiphone  Indolent 
Atropos  Inert 
Clotho  Dormant 
Lachesis  Lax 


Hephaestus  Vegetate 
Halciber  Quiescent 

More Recent Craft

Of course, our rather considerable entertainment responsibilities have long since required us to add additional small craft. The Hotel Gemmorah came with several hangars, but no shuttles of any kind. We had to change that; after all, it's not just the big ships that find our services unresistable.

Many of our older craft were given to us as payment for services rendered. We're not sure how their loss was reported to Starfleet Command, but we do know the proper combination of acids, warp coil harmonics, and transponder modifications needed to ensure their disappearance isn't reversed.

Federation Shuttlecraft (various types)

Romulan Scout Craft

Federation Runabouts

Barfleet-Engineered Runarounds

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